January 16 2025: Starting to get serious
I've been updating my website the past few days, and added a gifypet that fucked up my home page's layout. It's annoying to have the text misaligned, but I'm glad to actually have something to do on this website. Besides, the fucked up text alignment is just another reminder that I need to actually learn how to code and properly build my site. I know that there are layout generation tools that can accelerate the process, but I'm not a fan of having something or someone else doing my job for me. I'd rather do it myself. So what if I fuck up along the way? That just gives me even more reason to learn.
My sleep schedule's starting to look better. (I'm actually waking up in the morning reguarly now!) I'm already starting to notice the benefits. I'm starting have more motivation to do work, and not piss my life away doing hedonistic shit. A little pleasure every now and then is one thing, but the shit I've been doing since high-school sent me into a downward spiral towards self-destruction. I won't elaborate on much for now, but there's a lot of shit that I did in my past that I regret. And while I can't exactly say that I'm in a better place now, at least time feels like it's starting to move forward for the first time in a long time.
January 14 2025: Fuck January
I got hit with a really bad allergy attack on thursday, and I had to miss my entire work week as a result. This shit happens every January though, so I'm not surprised. Besides, I needed the rest. Outside of getting sick however, not a lot has happened since my rant a few days ago
I finished replaying Batman Arkham Asylum last night, and even managed to collect all of the Riddler Trophies and Spirit of Arkham messages. So that's cool I guess. I still have the challenges to do, so I can't really call this a 100% playthrough yet, but whatever. I was never really a completionist anyways, and that stuff always seemed more as a side activity to do for fun. I guess I should move onto replaying Arkham City next. That's gonna be fun. That reminds me, Arkham Knight is almost ten years old and I still haven't played it much.
I'm still thinking about what to really do with this website to spice it up, and I have a couple ideas. I could start reviewing games and movies That could be a fun and simple way to add content. Might also add some HTML stuff for shits and giggles. I've seen websites that had a virtual pet thing on their pages. Maybe even a chatbox so that other people can comment and give advice on how to improve my website. I've also heard that I can put Pico8 games on my site. That could be fun, well... that is if I actually manage to make anything...
January 9 2025: idk some random bullshit
Welp, guess I lied about continuing my thoughts after getting home from work. Oh well. It's better to type shit out when I'm not busy anyways.
To be blunt, I don't really know what to write now. I guess I'll write about my website, and shit for now. Yeah, I know that it's ugly as sin, and barely has anything on it except for this shit-ass blog, but I don't know what the fuck I wanna do with this site to be frank. I think I have this problem with overcomplicating it and trying to make something that other people will like, instead of doing it for myself.
Like, I know that this is my own website, and that I can put whatever I want on it, but still. I can't stop worrying about pissing off people. Like if I say the wrong thing, or if someone gets the wrong idea from what I put up, that I'll piss off someone and get shot, or get doxxed, or some shit. And whenever I write something, I keep editing it and panicking about sending the wrong message. And everytime I do that, I always fuck up, and create some incoherent mess of a post. It's fucked up. English is the only language that I'm "fluent" in, and I still suck at putting my thoughts into words. For fucks sake! I'm overcomplicating this post as I'm typing it now!
And that's just the blog. I mean, look at the navigation tab. Look at every item that has "(n/a)" on it! Do you honestly think that I'm ever going to fill those? And what the fuck were the point of some of these items? Articles!? Do I look like a fuckin' journalist to you? Fuck no! I can barely get out of bed in the morning, let alone write a whole fuckin' article! Projects!? I can barely even start them! Resources? When am I ever gonna pump out something actually useful for people to use? Probably not anytime soon! Hell, just look at how few times that I actually bother to update this blog. This is supposed to be a diary where I write down my most private thoughts, and it's a clusterfuck with barely any actual value in it! Hell, I can't even remember wher I got the background image from!
You know what? FUCK IT! This site needs a GODDAM OVERHAUL! Scrap everything that's unecessary, and make this shit actually mine! really put the "personal" into personal website! does it look fugly? TOUGH SHIT! Is it a pain to navigate? OH WELL! Did I say something incoherent? WOMP FUCKING WOMP! This is MY diary, and I'll write whatever I want into it! I'll Update it whenever I get around to it! And if some randome stranger hates what I have to say, than they can just fuck off to somewhere else! This is my site! DEAL WITH IT YOU RANDOM HYPOTHETICAL ASSKNOCKER!
Edit: For the five people who actually bother to read this diary. You might have noticed that I changed the website layout and color scheme as soon as I finished ranting. So most of the stuff I said in this post is outdated. I'm not changing anything I said though. I'm pretty serious about overhauling my site and making it my own.
January 3 2025: New Year's thoughts
It's the new year and a fair ammount has happened since then. Got some new shit, and I've been thinking about what I wanna do with my life going forward.
For a while now, I've been questioning my gender identity, and experimenting with stuff. At first, I tried the femboy stuff as a joke a few years ago, but as time passed, I've been researching voice work in what it means to be trans and I'm starting to realize stuff about myself that I either didn't know, or repressed deep down due to peer pressure.
Ever since I was a kid, I've always known that something about me was "off". From my social interactions, to the stuff that I was into, something was different about me, but I didn't know what at the time. I remember messing around and wearing my mom's bra when I was around 7-8, and I remember watching girly movies like Barbie, and shit like that. However, one of the main incidents that led me to consider that I might be trans was an expreience I had in my teens at a church youth group. There was some kind of a fashion show game that the group did at church, and people would dress up in several different wacky outfits. And for me, one of the outfits was a dress with a bunch of weird decorations on it. I don't know how to describe it, but something about wearing that dress felt "right", and when they made me take off the dress, I was dissappointed. And I think that's why one of the first things I did as soon as I got a job was buy a bunch of women's clothes and makeup.
I tried to tell myself that this was "just an experiment and a joke", and that I'm fine with being a guy. But as I get older, the more I think I'm living a lie. That I might actually be trans, and I just kept trying to hide it out of insecurity, and because the world kept telling me that being transgender was wrong. And I'm not talking about being a crossdresser, or a drag queen. I'm talking about being a full blown trans woman.
There's a lot more that I want to post about, but I've got work in a few minutes, so I can't right now. Maybe, I'll do a part 2, as soon as I get home.